A while ago I had an idea, which was to make something out of my debt letters – that I’ve never thrown away – and then sell that thing for the amount of debt I’m in. I thought long and hard, and finally decided to print all the debt letters onto material & stitch them together to make a patchwork duvet.

It was a cathartic experience to sit for hours, weeks, months… hand stitching debt letters together; having to be so patient with something that had partly happened because of impatience and frustration.

As I stitched, I reflected upon the times that wouldn’t have happened if this debt hadn’t accrued. Debt has become such a huge part of my life. I give it much attention by talking, thinking about it, and wishing it would just go a-blinking-way. But then I ask: who would I be without it? Maybe I’ve become comfortable with my debt. Of course, not so much so that I don’t want to sell it for, well, a lot of money.

Will it really put my debt to bed though? That’s probably just me dreaming…

 Thank you to Ty Faruki for the photographs.

After ten years or so… of trying to be an actor, with tunnel vision, with a ridiculous amount of determination and not a lot of focused energy I suddenly realised that, I’ve just hit thirty and damn, there’s so much I want and… panic, panic, panic…

We live in an age where the motto What you think about you bring about is well advertised.

What was I thinking about then? That I wanted to flit from one job to the next, that I didn’t want any money, that I… poor me, poor me etc…

I sought advice. I discovered that a good starting point is to write down everything you’ve ever wanted…

So I began…

1. become an actor.

2. get better at guitar

3. write songs

4…..

The more I wrote the more I wanted. Hang on, I thought, I only get one life…

Q. How will I live with myself if I don’t turn out to be a… violin-harmonica playing, song-writing, money-making, artist, musician, yoga, meditating, thin girl, actor… ?

A. I couldn’t live with myself.

So I set about becoming. I even made myself a chart and coloured it in each time I’d made progress to one of my goals. Here’s the proof…

So…

After madly trying to achieve everything, I’d managed to discover what I was really driven to spend time doing. And that was writing. And I wrote, wrote, wrote, and then I had a book, and now it’s being published (of course it wasn’t that easy). How’s that for a happy ending? But then, of course, there’s always that voice in your head…

…but what about song-writing, and you always wanted to be a dancer, and why are you so pedantic and…

But seriously, however it feels, don’t be afraid to consider everything and if your as pedantic as me you could create a goal wheel, like I did. You might find out what you’re willing to invest time in.

The wonderful clowning performance artist & poet Daniel Hernandez

Imposter…  the audience cried.

She’s faking it… they yelled.

The girl stood alone on the stage shaking in her shoes supplied by wardrobe: Found out, found out… goes the mantra in her head. Found out… that I don’t know what I’m doing. That I never knew, what I was doing. I still don’t... she went on…

Hang on, she thought, I know.

I need to go and educate myself, learn everything about everything, prepare, prepare… and then I will be “for real”, “the real deal”…









I’ve always felt like a creative fraud… First, I was a pretend actor… Now, I’m a pretend writer…  And, of course, I only fake writing songs, and play guitar with my fake arm… If ever congratulations have passed my way I’ve always thought: You wait till next time; see what a mess I make of it then; then you’ll discover…

So… I just need to work out how to stop being a pretend person… I need to stop being a fraud…

Wrong.

No matter how much I study, do my homework like a good student, this feeling doesn’t go away.

But. I have come to believe, that… it’s a good thing. Perhaps, the moment that this “fraudulent feeling” goes away, is the moment that you stop taking risks. Perhaps you’ll be bored. Too bored to create.

I think that art needs that spark. That energy, that says it could all go wrong this very minute… Then you’re living and creating, like any good, blinking, artist should. After all, the time is. Now.

Bye for now,


till my next fraudulent post…

Sometimes it just ain’t happening. Here are some ways that I find help me to loosen up and get through the gap to creativity–even though there is no gap…

 

The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron

1

Morning pages. What are they? Three pages of stream of consciousness every morning. You just write anything you feel. I did it for around a year. Found the idea in the Artist’s Way. I recommend.

2

Dance around your room to music, madly, throw your body about, do it for 15 minutes. Then recite a classical piece of text. You may feel like a nutter doing this, but so what we only live… IT CLEARS THOSE DUSTY WEBS.

Thud Thud by Aaron Munday.

3

Dream up your dreams, write them, madly, on a huge piece of paper. It doesn’t matter if they’re ridiculous. Life is ridiculous.

4

Go for a long walk. Breathe in nature. Nature is a great energy; for your energy. It matters.

 

Wind, Sea and all things Salt.

5

Go out & dance all night, on your own. I used to do this. Some of the best times…

6

Turn off the internet. No. Turn off your internet and TV and everything electrical. Lie on the floor for fifteen minutes in silence. Silence is magic. Like you.

7

Do something you wouldn’t normally do. Like try to play the violin, or speak another language. After you’ve done this for a bit you’ll realise that you’re actually quite good at your own craft after all. You’ll be flowing with creativity.

8

Make sure you feel relaxed in your working environment. When I look at my window sill. I feel relaxed.

My window sill. Three pepper plants, chilli, tomatoes. Proud.

9

 I can’t recommend this more: sing.

10

Say these words to yourself: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CREATIVE, LIGHTEN UP, ON YOURSELF.

Failing this… perhaps you’re not the creative type after all? Perhaps look into something more stable? Like an office job, I mean how can you live like that…? Not knowing from one minute to the next? Where the next penny, and… and… and… bla bla bla.

Not over my, not-blinking, body….

Anyone else have ideas?

Are you in need of a babysitter? Does your child need extra help with homework, phonics, etc…?  I’m a 32 year old, British, teaching assistant working at Old Ford Primary School. I have a CRB check and many years of experience with children and babies… I  live with my boyfriend, who is a graphic designer, near to Victoria Park where I already have a few clients. I’m looking for more babysitting work because it offers me more of a flexible timetable; as you can see from my blog I am constantly involved in different creative projects, but I also love working with children.

I charge £10.00 per hour – with no extra charge after midnight.

Extra help with homework, literacy, mathematics costs £20.00 per hour, which I teach at my house. Due to my training as an actor I use methods of teaching which involve developing confidence and helping your child to find fun in their work.

Please contact me on 07533605509, or bec.simmonds@gmail.com

Rebecca.

A few weeks ago I was interviewed about my debt and the duvet I’ve made it into. You can read it as part of James Meek’s article in the London Review of Books, which is out today.  Thanks LRB, and James Meek. http://www.lrb.co.uk/v34/n09/james-meek/the-debt-quilt

I want to be a buried

In the deep blue sea

Where all the crabs and prawns and things

Can make a feast of me

They probably won’t taste as good as they did to me

But, that’s the way the factory works when you enter eternity.

Don’t worry everyone, I’ve just worked out I’m not in £18,000 of debt after all, but to be precise:

£15,247.91

If I carry on as I’m going, paying it off in monthly repayments, I should have cleared my debts in 40 years time, when I will be 73 years old.

In the mean time I’m going to snuggle up in my debt duvet. Perhaps, my prince will wake me with a cheque for around about the required amount, but I have a feeling I could be sleeping for a long, long, time.

Well, I was all blog post this and blog that at first, and then I did a blog post moaning about the way they teach literacy in schools, and next day I received a call asking: Would I be prepared to teach a literacy course in a school?  Now, I’m not going to start making connections out of meaningless data here, but it did strike me as a little odd. Anyhow, this is why I haven’t been blogging of late, busy, busy, busy with a new job, and my novel ‘Find Mark’ has also been keeping me occupied. It’s now postponed to a publishing date in August. The novel, at present, is a bit like an overgrown garden in desperate need of a prune. But never mind about all, I really just want to say thanks to those who’ve taken an interest and read/commented on my posts and to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

‘Hang on a minute…  I’m sure this way will be much quicker…’

It’s oh so easy to divert from the task in hand. Like completing that short story, paragraph, sentence. Basically, doing what you really need to do, right this minute. The simple step, that gets you to that next simple step. The step that will eventually get you to that imagined land of ‘Z’…

So, never mind about this ‘Z’ land.

First, I  must move from goal post A to B without trying to cut corners.

I do have such a tendency to divert… Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on some wonderful and beautifully… how shall I put it…? Horrific, character building diversions in my life. Very often I’ll be about a cm away from my goal only to find myself peeking down some untrodden alley and then, of course, finding myself lost, or back at the very beginning.

So, from now on, I tell myself and perhaps even you: Please, concentrate on the task in hand.

So… forget about unleashing your creativity. What about calming it down? What if an army of ideas are heading towards you; all firing at the same time?

Maybe you feel like a spinning top? Like you’re taking off, drifting into the sky… Maybe you need to float back down? Down to the place where the rabbits burrow.

                 Image by Aaron Munday.

1.

Alexander Technique…

DO do Alexander Technique. This’ll calm you down. Lie in semi supine with some books underneath your head for around twenty minutes. Imagine your body, filled with lots of empty space. Breathe into your back. Fill your lungs like they’re balloons.

Image courtesy of: http://www.expandingself.com/

2.

Think to yourself…

I control my ideas. They don’t control me. I tell them what to do. Not the other way round. They may spring into your head like they’re the best ideas in the world and maybe they are. But, they could turn into a class of unruly children tugging at your shirt: ‘Miss, miss, miss…’ if don’t get them in order.

3.

Think inside the box…

When you have an idea, write it down. Store each idea on individual cards in an index card box. You’ll feel calmer because you know that your ideas are safe and that you can come back to them any time. Create sections like Ideas for my blog, Ideas for short stories...etc, etc…

4.

Make noise…

Who are you anyway? A living, breathing, blinking person who needs to make a bit of noise now & then — like the rest of the world. If we don’t let out what’s in, how we ever gonna calm down? Spring clean your body and get grounded a vocal exercise.

Make these noises. Each sound relates to a different part of your body. The sounds should start low and end with you screeching into the sky. 

ZZOO-OO…. This should be a deep sound. Stamp your feet and get down into the ground.

WO-Oe…  This sound should come from the belly.

SHAW-AW…  Solar Plexus

GOh… Chest centre

MA-AA… Heart

FUh… Lips

HU-UH-UH… Mouth

BA…  Mid-cheeks

DEh… Cheekbones

PE-EY… Eyes

KI… Forehead

RREEE-EE… Crown

Now repeat the sounds, only the other way around. Start with a high pitched REEEEEE and move back down the body. If you think this is weird, it isn’t my idea. I got it from Freeing Shakespeare’s Voice by Kristin Linklater. The idea has been tried & tested by me a million times. It works.

5.

Tom, Dick & Harry…

Talking about my ideas to every Tom, Dick & Harry, probably isn’t going to help. Just going to fill my head with more Tom, Dick and Harry nonsense. I think: keep your ideas to yourself.

Yeah, calmly mull over your ideas and if you decide to go ahead, forget what everyone else has to say. Only talk about your ideas when you’re ready.

6.

?…

It’s great to have loads of ideas but: What ideas are within your capability? What ideas are your priority? And what can you do to take action on them? Right this minute? Now?

i love comments…